Okay, two people have contacted me about doing the first page challenge, and since the last time I did this was in October, I figure it’s about time to do it again.
The idea is to post the first few paragraphs from your wip–either here, or on your own website, posting a link here–and then examine them to see if they’re doing what you want them to do. First impressions are really important to readers–whether that’s an editor deciding whether to buy your book, or a reader deciding whether to take it home.
I did this originally in this post, and looked at the first page of my June release (OUT NOW!! hooray!), in this post, so today I’ll look at the first three paragraphs from the book I’m working on right now, One Night Stand.
Another Saturday night down the Mouse and Duck.
Here, I’m trying to give a sense of monotony, over-familiarity. This is the primary setting for the book, the heroine dislikes it, and I want the first line to have the quality of a resigned and bored sigh.
Jerry, the landlord, was swearing in the kitchen. Paul and Philip were nearing the end of their pints and arguing about football in the preliminary step to arguing about whose turn it was to get the next round in. Gets Drunk, Gets Horny, Gets Angry Man was steadily making his way through his fourth pint and was making the lip and eye movements that signified that he was having an imaginary conversation with himself. Maud and Martha were eying up the karaoke machine through their haze of smoke. And I’d spilled half a pint of Stella over my shoes when I was serving the group of students who were starting to get loud over in the corner.
I’m trying to give quick thumbnail sketches of these people, making them sound not very appealing, but instantly recognisable as pub regular types. We can see this isn’t an upmarket pub, and also that the heroine’s heart really isn’t in her bar job. This is a longish paragraph, written as a list, and I used the repeated present continuous tense (was swearing, were nearing, etc) to give a sense of being in the middle of something which happens over and over and over again.
I made sure that nobody was watching me, and topped up my orange juice with vodka from the House Special optic.
Anna didn’t like this line. She thought that having a heroine who drinks in secret whilst working was a bit unsympathetic. I kept it, though, because a) the heroine needs to get drunk in order to have her one night stand (hence book title), and b) I think it shows that something is wrong here. Why is she getting drunk in secret? Hell, if she’s drinking on the sly, why doesn’t she steal the good stuff? Why does she care if anybody sees her, especially as her boss is out of sight in the kitchen?
All in all, it’s not a bang-flash-wallop beginning. Not much is going on. However, that’s precisely the effect I’m trying for…Eleanor, the heroine, is bored bored bored and you have to understand that in order to understand why she does what she does next, which is something that changes her entire life.
What do you think? And more importantly…what’s yours?
I’m reposting your post, Leonie, so it’s easier to find:
LEO WROTE:
Hi Y’all and Julie,
I see the most recent one was posted in May, so I hope this this blog thread is still open. Here is my first few paragraphs of something I was working on a while back. Any comments would be welcome. leo_ann81@hotmail.com
Rachel O’ Connor rested her glasses upon her head and pinched the bridge of her nose. Her head had been pounding like a bongo drum for what seemed like forever.
She’d been working on this merger since after lunch and a quick glance at her watch told her it was almost seven thirty. She felt almost guilty about saving the document. The merger needed more time and dedication than her migraine headache was able to give. As the computer shut down she tidied her desk.
She’s a work-a-holic who’s dedicated to getting the job done event to the detriment of her own health and personal life. She feels guilty at leaving the job half done. She’s also a neatness freak.
“You’re leaving early.” A fellow associate commented.
Rachel looked up and tried not to grimace. Wendy Johnson, who Rachel secretly thought of as Woo-Woo Wendy because of her penchant for all things mystical stood in the doorway expectantly. Wendy’s wild frizzy blonde hair stuck out from her head as if she’d been scared stupid and her chunky gemstone jewellery clanged and rattled as she stepped into the doorway. Rachel smoothed down at her own cream suit and thanked the Lord she had a personal shopper who kept her from making horrible wardrobe faux pas.
Rachel is a bit judgemental and reserved. She is in strict control of her working life where she knows what’s expected of her but is very unsure of herself and her personality. She lets a personal shopper choose her clothes rather than risk wearing something in appropriate. She’s afraid of what people will think of her.
“Yeah, I’ve put in way too many hours this week to work past eight on a Friday.”
Wendy chuckled. “Great minds think alike.”
Rachel packed her laptop into its case, shrugged into her coat and slung the laptop bag over her shoulder. She clicked her desk lamp off and grabbed her purse. Wendy was still standing in the doorway.
“Did you get my e-mail?” She asked.
“Is saw an e-mail from you but the it wasn’t categorised by my inbox as high priority, so I didn’t open it. Was it urgent?”
Again very focused on her job. Only work related things need to be addressed during working hours.
“Kind of.” She hedged as Rachel locked her office door.
“Alison’s baby shower is on Tuesday as it’s her last day. Kerry and I have taken up a collection and we were going to go shopping tomorrow morning but she called in sick today.”
They headed for the elevator.
“Since you’re the only other female associate on our team, I wondered if you’d like to come along.”
“I um…” Rachel fumbled for an excuse.
“That’s if you don’t have plans, I mean.”
Rachel is out of her depth when the conversation turns other women. She’s nervous of going shopping with someone she’s already made her mind up about in case she might like them but doesn’t want to lie about her commitments or hurt Wendy’s feelings.
OK, my first thought was ‘Duck? That sounds a little bit like…’. Too much Blackadder, obviously. And the influence of the title of the book.
Have you got ‘arguing about football in the preliminary step’ instead of ‘as a preliminary’ to indicate that they do this regularly?
And I noticed that there are a couple of names which begin with the same letter, which also hints at repetition/sameness/monotony: ‘Paul and Philip’, ‘Maud and Martha’.
Having a smoky pub is going to mean it’ll have to be set before the ban (1 July this year for England, already in place in Scotland – I’m assuming this pub is in the UK, but maybe it isn’t).
I don’t know what an ‘optic’ is, so I’ve got some strange visual of her trying to get vodka out of a fibre-optic cable.
I’d have to agree with Anna on the drink–however, the heroine can redeem herself. I’m just thinking she’s a lush right out of the box because she’s working at a pub and drinking on duty.
It DOES make we want to read on, for sure.
Leonie, I get the stuff you wanted to put across in your opening. I thought it was a good start! I like “Woo Woo Wendy”. I think in your heroine’s case the reason for her judgmental thoughts is that she is unsure of herself. You can feel it when she’s invited to go along on the shopping trip.
Now, put mine up? I feel so nervous putting anything on the net. PARANOID.
The maud and Martha names work, I think, because they are obviously meant to be caricaturish pub types – makes me picture two kind of frumpy women who like nothing better than a good gossip, a ciggie, and a pint or two.
I like that beginning Julie – and I like the fact that she’s secretly drinking – makes me wonder if it’s because she’s a lush – or just because she’s at work.
You definitely get the sense that it’s all the same old, same old for the main protag – and that she’s having a drink to spice it all up a bit.
And Leo – wow – Rachel certainly comes across as an uptight character!! Interesting beginning, I would read more
And here’s the first page of my latest wip.
I didn’t go to Mable’s funeral.
I was eight months pregnant at the time, completely alone and wild with grief. But it wasn’t Mable I grieved for. No. I hated Mable by then and was glad that she was dead. It was Mable who had done this to me, Mable who had ruined my life, taken the best thing I’d ever had and smashed it into a million unfixable pieces. I wasn’t crying for Mable but because of her.
But now, five years later and a lifetime happier; finally settled into a comfortable and routine life with my daughter Sarah, (my sweet, oh-so-serious little Sarah) I sometimes wish that I had made it to Mable’s funeral, after all.
The thing is, I see Mable everywhere – in the supermarket, at the gates of Sarah’s kindergarten, at the club where Sarah and I sometimes go for a cheap meal. I catch glimpses of Mable’s glossy, corn-blonde hair, her model-like body, her eye-catching clothes, from the corner of my eye and I stop to stare, my heart pounding. Frantic and on the verge of hysteria, I force myself to get closer, to reassure myself that I am not seeing a ghost, that it is not really her, but just another Mable-look-alike. Close-up these women are sometimes similar but never, never as beautiful as Mable. More frequently, though, on closer inspection they look nothing like her.
I turn away and get on with whatever I was doing, but all the warmth will have drained from my face and lips, my fingertips will tingle unpleasantly with adrenaline. My day is, invariably, ruined.
If I’d gone to her funeral, Mable’s death would now seem more real. I wouldn’t have had to cry, or feign despair. I could have laughed bitterly and spat into the pit. Who would have cared? If only I’d seen them lower her casket into the ground, watched them throw the dirt, six heavy and immoveable feet of it, into her grave, I would be more certain that she was really dead and buried.
And I would know that Mable was gone for good.
oops sorry Grace – didn’t mean to but in like that!
No sweat, Rebecca. I am still working on the guts to put mine up! When I do, I’ll post a link here. I’m going to put it up on my blog. Trying to decide which one to do. I get paranoid of people stealing stuff, LOL, Like It’s Worth Stealing!
Very poignant beginning there, Rebecca!
OK, Here is the link.
Thanks for doing this again, Julie!
http://grace-tyler.blogspot.com/2007/06/julie-cohens-first-page-challenge.html
My contribution.
It’s not obvious, but that’s a link there, folks, in the last post. THIS IS THE LINK
Hey, thanks for playing, Leo, Rebecca, Laura, and Grace!
Leonie, I think your first page does exactly what you want it to do, and it does it well. I’m not sure where you’re aiming this, but I’m going to give a few thoughts, which may or may not be relevant.
I think you’ve got the same problem I do with the first few paragraphs of ONS: the heroine is, potentially, unsympathetic. She’s a workaholic who distrusts and judges her co-workers on appearances without having the confidence to choose her own appearance. Obviously there’s something wrong here, which we can guess at–but we don’t yet SEE her vulnerability, her conflict, anything to really get us on her side.
In ONS I’m hoping the first-person narration will help my readers overcome this little niggle about her drinking (and in half a page, we see why she’s drinking and that she doesn’t like it). Maybe in your book we see hints at a more sympathetic side on the next page, too.
You’ve said you’ve read All Work and No Play, where I had a similar sort of heroine–workaholic, unsure of herself, finds it difficult to make friends. The beginning is sort of the same, too, with Jane working too hard and talking with her co-workers. There, I was really worried that Jane would be seen as hard, and therefore I made sure that the reader saw RIGHT AWAY that she’s got a problem they can sympathise with. The first line is her thinking:
I am absolutely fine, I am very good at my job, and you are never going to see me cry again.
I chose to begin that way because I wanted to show vulnerability from the start, so when she does show her workaholic prickly side, hopefully you can see why she’s acting that way.
In your extract, I’m assuming something is going to happen on the shopping trip, and I sort of wonder why you didn’t start it there, with something happening. You write very well, have a good character, and hints of good conflict, but this first page is relatively static: headache, work, awkward conversation, a minor decision. (In AWANP again, I started with work, but the awkward conversation is with her ex-fiancee, so there’s major conflict even in something trivial.) You could easily fill in these little character details in the midst of action or conflict, her suit in the mirror, their disagreements about what to buy, how they both react to the large bear in the china shop, etc.
It’s difficult to give suggestions based just on a few paragraphs, but I hope at least some of that is helpful! As always, ignore if you like!
(Oh and I ‘ve received several rejections for books because the heroine wasn’t immediately sympathetic–although I thought she was–so this may be a bugbear of mine that wouldn’t be a problem for you.)
Laura, I don’t get the Blackadder reference, I’m ashamed to say?
And yes, everything you suggest is true. An optic is the mechanism used to serve spirits in pubs, you know the thing you push the glass against that dispenses liquor.
Hmm. I see what you mean, Grace. Again, I’m hoping the first person narration, and the fact that the reader knows from the back of the book that the heroine spends most of this book pregnant, will mean people will think she’s not a habitual lush. It’s clarified half a page onwards, anyway. Maybe I’ll cut and paste a bit to make it a little clearer that this is not habitual.
Thanks everyone for you commments. Very helpful land I will definitely go over my stuff and see where things can be improved. It’s great having feedback as I’m a little private about my work. Aren’t we all?
Rebecca, I was really intrigued by yours. Who is Mable? Why was she so loved/hated? Why has she made such an impact on the heroine’s life? Very nicely done. I’d definitely keep reading.
I like the bit about Sarah. We haven’t met her yet but can almost picture this little girl. Very nice build up.
Julie, you’re not the only one that doesn’t get the Blackadder reference! ;0) But the pub name sounds like a typical lower end of the range pub. It’s not named after a king or a duke, and the plain-Jane name makes it sound non-descript and ordinary. I like the character descriptions. I can almost picture the regular crowd at the local. I think Laura may be right about the Paul and Philip. Lots of the names start with the same letter. At first I thought that these people might be two sets of twins. Why do parents to that to their twins? lol. The secret drinking thing has me wondering. I don’t not like it but it makes me wonder what’s happened that she needs a drink in the middle of her shift. So as long as it keeps me guessing and as long as I find out the reason why she’s doing it (hopefully not because she’s a closet alcoholic!)and I’m sympathetic to that reason then I think as a reader I can identify. It’s looking good!
When will ONS be on the shelves?
I can’t remember the Blackadder quote exactly, but at the end of one episode a character begins to observe that ‘duck’ rhymes with ‘….’ but the theme tune begins before he can finish his sentence. It’s left to the viewer’s dirty mind to work out what he was going to say.
Hmm, I don’t have some of the problems that the others have. Am I a lush?
I just assumed she was having a BAD day. But I am sure you can tweak it slightly if you think you should., You know took a sip and winced at the strength and resisted the temptation to spit it out. I suspect it is the firtiveness and secretiveness that makes her look like a lush.
Hey everyone. I’ve really been enjoying reading everyone’s openings. Leo – your heroine sounds really uptight, you can just feel that something is about to happen that is way out of her comfort zone.
Rebecca – That was a really cool opening. I want to read more. Very nice picture of what kind of person Mabel was as well as how the heroine’s daughter has turned out. I’m hooked!!
Julie, I like your opening too. You definately have the same old, same old feeling down. BTW I don’t have a problem with the character sneaking a nip. It’s possible that I would do the same.
Grace – I’ve already commented on your blog. I still think that’s a great line.
Ok the following is my effort.
I need a support group.
Maybe I could start a support group.
I need to be able to stand up and say “My name is Hannah West and I have an irrational fear of being pregnant.” Then nice supportive people would hug me and give me cups of tea with lashings of sympathy and understanding. It would be good.
(There have been numerous versions of the above paragraph. My CP has suggested that more information about why she is worried would be a good idea. I’ve tried it but I can’t help feeling that the why will become obvious before we are through the first chapter. I want to keep this part reasonably snappy. The poor woman is currently in the toilet after all. Anyway, I would be interested in what you all thought.)
Instead I find myself alone, staring at the toilet bowl at 3am, with the beginning of the stomach bug that has already gone through (no pun intended) the rest of the family. The sad thing is, I know that it’s a stomach bug. After a week of cleaning up after my explosive husband and three children, it’s not likely to be anything else.
But.
Well, I can’t help worrying that it is something else. That maybe child number four is going to put in an appearance. I’m breast feeding. I’m on the mini pill. I haven’t actually had a period since Emma’s birth 5 months ago. I’m still worried that I’m pregnant. I told you that I was being irrational.
I eased back from the toilet bowl and sat very still on the floor, waiting for the nausea to pass. This would have been easier if Alex, the eldest of my three children, was less proud of being able to pee standing up and better able to aim. Even though I wash the toilet floor on a regular basis, there is still a rather pervasive smell to the room. It had certainly cleared my sinuses but hadn’t done much for my delicate stomach. Perhaps I need to buy a stronger bleach?
Brrrr. Well, I hadn’t actually thrown up for 10 minutes or so and I was getting cold so I heaved myself off the floor and staggered back to my bedroom. It really hadn’t been that bad. Maybe I was going to get a much milder version than everyone else. After all I had managed to feed Emma before dashing off to the loo. In fact, if she hadn’t of woken up for a feed I might have missed feeling sick altogether as I had only felt ill after I had gotten out of bed. A bit like morning sickness really. Except that it isn’t morning sickness, because I’m not pregnant, just irrational. I dropped my robe on the floor and crawled into bed next to Evan. Ohhh goody he’s lovely and warm. I put my feet next to his legs to warm them up. This always gives the added bonus of getting him to wiggle over a bit and giving me a bit more room to spread out. Right, time to stop being sick and irrational and get some sleep. No worries.
That’s it really. Oh, I’m aware that I keep on changing verb tenses and it’s something I really need to sort out. This is the first time I’ve tried 1st person and I’m uncertain about which form to use. I’ll get that sorted eventually though.
Does anyone else have trouble with that and what do you do?
This challenge is a great idea! I enjoyed reading all the entries. I’m going to post the opening paragraphs of my WIP on my blog tonight.
Very interesting about your heroines not being sympathetic right away. I’ve been told I have that problem.
Much of my current story takes place in a resort bar, and my heroine is a bartender. I received very negative feedback on some of the drinking references and I wimped out and cut them. But I think the reference to your heroine drinking is fine – totally relateable and realistic.
After blushing several shades of red that I posted my link THREE times, hahaha, I read on. Julie C, I really think that people will understand about her drinking once they have
more than three paragraphs. They need to sympathise with her right away, sure, but I think you have more than three paragraphs to establish that relationship.
Donna, I didn’t see your comment, but I bet I will find it later. I appreciate everyone stopping by and your suggestions.
Donna, I would try to streamline this a bit more to get her out of the bathroom faster. Here’s some phrases I think you could do without.
Before I list them however, let me say that any woman with three little kids would worry about being pregnant. It’s not irrational at all, unless she is currently ON her period and has every proof she isn’t expecting.
It would be good. Self evident.
The sad thing is Don’t have her doubt herself so much.
I told you I was being irrational. Same. It’s hardly irrational, IMO.
It had certainly cleared my sinuses but hadn’t done much for my delicate stomach. Perhaps I need to buy a stronger bleach? Let’s get past talking about the urine smell. I think any woman who’s ever hung over a toilet knows what you’re talking about, and you should stay focused on her fears rather than the gross smell.
And the last paragraph, the longest in your submission, is the most interesting to me as a woman and a mom. I can imagine lying next to my husband wondering how in the world I would tell him if we were expecting again. What would I do? How would I tell him? How would he react? Was he mad the last time? Does he love kids and I don’t? Or am I just worn out?
From the last paragraph:
Except that it isn’t morning sickness, because I’m not pregnant, just irrational. Again, cut “just irrational.” I dropped my robe on the floor and crawled into bed next to Evan. Ohhh goody he’s lovely and warm. I put my feet next to his legs to warm them up. This always gives the added bonus of getting him to wiggle over a bit and giving me a bit more room to spread out. Edit the previous sentence to keep more in the present, cutting “This always …” and change to something like “He wiggled over, and I smiled and spread out.” Whatever fits. Keeps it more focused. Right, time to stop being sick and irrational and get some sleep. No worries.
This is the only time in the whole piece I would say “irrational”. Her concerns and her dismissals have built up to this point, and I don’t mind her saying it once. It works. But not again and again, especially as it is the most normal fear in the world, in my humble opinion.
Take what works for you and dump the rest! Good luck.
Here’s mine. Great process – I’ve tweaked this opening a million times, but when looking at it line by line, I caught things.
http://juliescott.blogspot.com/2007/06/first-page-challenge.html
Hi Julie et al…
Here’s my the link to my first page: http://marcybassettkennedy.blogspot.com/.
I’d love to hear comments from anyone who whats to offer them.
Marcy