October 9, 2007 | Honey Trap, first pages
After my first page thread on eHarlequin, and all the crits I’ve done on the poor people taking my classes, I guess it’s time to post my first page and let people have at it. Fiona mentioned doing this herself with the Novel Racers, so if she does, maybe she’ll put a link in the comments.
The idea is that your first page should be a real hook into your book, and should give a clue as to what the main conflict is going to be right away. It should be tight, it should be exciting, and it should be the best you can make it.
So here it is…the first page of Honey Trap.
Any crits welcome, or if you think it works, that’s welcome too. I’ll post in the comments a bit later, explaining why I made the choices I did.
*
Please, at least let him be tall.
Sophie Tennant stood inside the doorway of the bar, scanning the room. She’d never seen her date in real life, but she knew he was brown-eyed, brown-haired, slightly built, and a scumbag.
Also, to her relief, not an early bird. She smoothed down her red dress and rubbed her lips together to make sure her red lipstick was still fresh, both actions unnecessary because she knew she was wrinkle-free and she’d put on the lipstick in her car five minutes ago, after adjusting the adhesive tape beneath her bra. Sophie went to the bar, ordered a tonic water with ice and a slice, and brought it to her preferred table in the corner, facing the door with the light behind her.
It was the third time this month she’d been in Bar 42 and she was beginning to wonder if the bar staff thought she was desperate, a hooker, or both. She didn’t like to be noticed and would have preferred to go somewhere else this time, but Keith had suggested it in his text.
It was a good location, anyway: not too dark, not too light, and just busy enough. Sophie’d had bad experiences with noisy crowded pubs before, hours of work down the drain because some idiot beside her was talking too loudly. And the less she thought about what had happened in the unlit car park of that country pub two years ago, the better.
Fran says:
go girl…am loving it already!
Fiona says:
Wow! Love it and what a hook at the end, Julie.
Will, of course, put loads of links on my site and in my post to the Novel Racers.
Will you be doing any signings in Reading/Newbury any time?
Fiona says:
I have been brave/stupid/mad and put up my first page on my blog.
Doing so has made me really this a. this is a first draft so it is allowed to be crap…isn’t it?
b. My first page is more like two pages which I now have to make into one page with a decent hook. I have, as you kindly said I could, put it to the Novel Racers,
http://novelracers.blogspot.com/ a blog set up by Kate Harrison, to help wannabes writers like what I am
Julie says:
Thank you Fran and Fiona and Fiona, I will come and check out your post tonight!
Julie says:
Right, here is what I was trying to do with mine:
From the title of the book, you know that my heroine is on a honey trap (trying to tempt a man into infidelity to prove to his partner that he’s a cheater). However I did want to give the feeling that Sophie was on a date…she’s looking around for the man, she’s nervous about her appearance, she’s taking care with what she looks like.
I chose the first line because it could be seen as a woman hoping her blind date will be tall (and therefore more handsome). As you read on, you see that Sophie thinks that short men take longer to honey trap, so actually she’s hoping he’s tall so she can get it over with quickly. Also, the hero (who isn’t this guy) is tall, and he’s a contrast with her date here.
The hook is supposed to be the word “scumbag” at the end of the second paragraph, where you see Sophie’s real attitude towards these men, and also how tough (and judgemental) she is.
In the later paragraphs, I wanted to let the reader see how practised she is at this particular operation, and how jaded. I wanted to inject a possibility of danger, because she will be in danger in a bit. And the line “she didn’t like to be noticed”, while a throwaway here, is true for her entire personality and her inner conflict.
Any of that come through?
Fiona says:
I got that she was jaded and was very intrigued by the hint of some past danger or trouble she’d been in.
Btw, my nickname is Fin - Fiona Harper was here first so she gets the full Fiona. Just glad that the other Fiona at my school got ‘Fi’
Fin says:
Thanks Julie
A few people have said that Mel is a bit of a grump so I will have to make her more sympathetic and explain why she’s smoking when she is meant to be trying for a baby.
You’ve been a big help - much appreciated.
Fin
P.S. I’ve put a pic of Spirit Willing on my blog - can’t get it to link to Amazon but I expect my twelve year thug will know:)
Julie says:
Thanks Fin, and good luck with it!
Leo says:
Ooh! I’m loving it already! When’s it out?
Julie says:
April in hardback…not sure when the paperback is out, probably in the summer of 08.