I don’t often get to the pub. But every now and then, my writers’ group Reading Writers finishes a bit early and we pop into the pub next door for a swift pint and a chat about writing and books.
So tonight, I’m standing at the bar ordering my second glass of wine, having spent all evening talking closely with people at the meeting, when a man addresses me. He’s, to put it mildly, not wildly attractive. He’s probably in his late 30s, has a mac on, a t-shirt, very little hair, and the earpods of a MP3 player sticking out of his collar. I’m sure he has many extraordinary qualities, but they’re not immediately apparent.
“Who’s that?” he says to me out of the blue. Staring at my chest.
I look down, and realise I have my “I love John Cusack” t-shirt on. It’s got a big heart and a picture of John Cusack in Sixteen Candles. “It’s John Cusack,” I say.
“Never heard of him.”
“Oh.” I turn back to the bar, to give my attention to the bartender who is serving me my drink.
“Ohhh wait, did you just say John Cusack?”
“Yes.” He’s looking a bit friendlier, so I continue, “I thought it was strange you’d never heard of him, since he’s in loads of films.”
Charming Man makes a face. “Have you been eating garlic?”
I made rice noodles with vegetables and garlicky peanut sauce earlier.
I say, “Yes.”
I think, You are unbelievably crass. You might know I have garlic breath. But you do not know that I am a writer. And you really do not know that I will, sooner than you think, have my revenge in print.
That’s the way, kill him off
Bastard.
Sorry I didn’t recognise Mr Cusak either, Julie.
But have you taken three candles off him? J
But you didn’t tell me I had garlic breath, Josh! You were tactful and considerate enough to keep that information to yourself.
And I’ll take most anything off John Cusack. Any time.
Now I have The Smiths running through my head…
Y’know, I reckon you need one of the T-shirts that say, ‘Warning: I am a writer, and anything you say to me may be used in one of my books…’
(Me – I want the one that says ‘will write for chocolate’)
Hope I can make it on Sat to the signing, it’s that or roll around in mud with 29 other men. You can imagine its a tough call. Waterstones or rugby. Almost as bad as the age old Daddy or chips.
Right, I’m clogging your blog with rubbish now, must stop!
J
And a fine Smiths song it is, Kate!
I think those t-shirts are very useful. If I’d been wearing one, he’d still have been staring at my chest, but at least he would have been fairly warned.
Josh, how about you do the signing for me and I’ll roll around in the mud with 29 men?
I know which option the other lads would choose. But then they would have to be warned that anything said or done was liable to end up in print. Not that they’d care.
Now that would be a story.
As Geoffrey Chaucer put it: “I will eviscerate you in fiction.”
Well, maybe not Chaucer as such, but Paul Bettany definitely said it.
What a tool!
In other news, I now need one of those t-shirts. I heart John Cusack.
Kate, I choose to believe that Paul Bettany is a totally, 100% accurate portrayal of Geoffrey Chaucer.
I bet Chaucer ate garlic, too.
Here ya go, Laura.
http://www.google.co.uk/products?hl=en&q=john+cusack+t+shirt&um=1&ie=UTF-8&ei=DFerS9CKPIqOjAfr09XZDw&sa=X&oi=product_result_group&ct=title&resnum=3&ved=0CB8QrQQwAg
I can’t find the one I have, but I wouldn’t mind a few of these pictures on my chest.
Ooooooh. Thanks!
*buys them all*
~snort~
Julie, you have to be at the signing. . .so I’ll go and play with the men in the mud (please).
Man in pub – Tosser.
Laura, save some for me!
Kim, right back atcha. LOL!
Lara, oh, you may be right. Okay, you can play in the mud.
YIPEE!