WANTED: A long-suffering, neat, obedient and good-looking secretary to type up my romantic novels, as I recline gracefully on a couch and drink champagne whilst dictating them. I require a secretary urgently as yesterday I spilled an entire cup of tea over my beloved, wonderful, expensive-and-can-only-be-bought-in-the-US ergonomic keyboard, and now it is dead.
Must be male, type 60 wpm, and be able to open champagne bottles and bonbon boxes. Must be willing to do light housework and do pull-ups whilst shirtless. Preferably to have body of a Greek god. Attractive salary of cups of tea and pats on the head. Overtime probable.
Apply in comments section, below, attaching link to photograph. No David Walliams lookalikes, please.
(With thanks to Allie for the solution to my typing dilemma. I’m sure candidates will be trampling down my door!)
And if you get one, ask if he has a twin brother.
Have you tried drying out the keyboard? I read somewhere you can clean them with rubbing alcohol. A friend once spilt wine on my new, lovely, compact, quiet, only-available-with-new-PC keyboard, and the replacement under guarantee was never as good as the original. Too late, I Googled ‘How to dry out a keyboard’.
And now I keep all drinks on a separate shelf.
Not the keyboard! I do think eye candy is called for.
I’ve dried the keyboard with a hair dryer. I’ve cleaned the keyboard with cleaning solution. I’ve taken the back off the keyboard and left it in the airing cupboard for 24 hours. It is dead (and the keys are still sticky).
It might come back to life one day, but I need to write a book!
Hence…secretary.
Hey Miss…er, I mean Julie,
Cool job! I think I’d be like really good at it! And I can type and everything! I’m not so sure about the pull-ups though…is that a kind of nappy?
Anyway, I really dig hanging out with older women (well, older than me I mean, not that you’re old, just…well, anyway) and I think I could really wrestle with those bonbon lids after my stint as a super hero in Kick Ass.
Let me know what you think.
Love and kisses,
Aaron xxx
http://images1.fanpop.com/images/photos/2100000/Aaron-Johnson-aaron-johnson-2108532-311-500.jpg
Forget the wee lad, what you need is a Time Lord. Or, rather, a former Time Lord. Same difference, especially with the Tardis at my disposal.
I’m looking to lay low after all these tiresome high-profile TV and theatre projects, and your secretarial position looks perfect.
If you give us a pay rise and include a wee biscuit, I’ll bring Tom Baker along too.
Yours fondly,
David (Macdonald) Tennant
http://ghostradio.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/davidtennant.jpg
Dear oh dear, you don’t want to bother with this load of cocks. You need a true romantic, a man who knows his (Alfa) Romeo from his elbow. I can’t type, but I can change the points on an A-series Mini engine.
And, I’m not so sure about the pull-ups, to be honest. But I’m happy to eat a pie and chips with my shirt off, if you like.
Give me a call, baby.
James May
http://img.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2008/02_03/jamesmayDM2202_468x693.jpg
I can’t type either, but if you would like to be my secretary and bring me my mail in your mouth like a dog, it would be my pleasure to tie you up and spank you.
James Spader
http://www.lahiguera.net/cinemania/actores/james_spader/fotos/1069/james_spader.jpg
Oh No! Your lovely beloved keyboard!
Sobs in sympathy!
Hugs, chocolate and other dry goods clearly needed.
Best of luck with finding a replacement [house insurance?] and the interviews.
Extra hugs, Nina
Oh no, Julie! I can only begin to imagine your agony! Am off on hols for a week, so you can borrow my secretary for the week if you like. See below:
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_m3igimf_nnc/R5F8KKL85dI/AAAAAAAABgw/_GJNjmEaSMQ/s1600/DAVID%2BGANDY_1.jpg
Surprised Clarkson’s not put in an appearance yet though…
Lots of love,
Rach.
XX
Clarkson is a pillock who wouldn’t know a romantic novel from a Volkswagen.
Choose me.
Julie, Julie, Julie!
You already *know* I’m looking for a new career! I can’t *believe* you didn’t offer me a position first!
Must be male – hang on, yep, check.
Type 60 wpm – er, ’60 wmp’, there you go, that was actually quite easy.
Be able to open champagne bottles – already on my second of the day!
and bonbon boxes – ‘bonbon’? Is this a type of monkey? In a box?
Must be willing to do light housework – dishes washed, cup of tea made, check.
and do pull-ups whilst shirtless – oh.
Preferably to have body of a Greek god – oh. I see. Yeah, forget it.
Thank you for your CVs, Aaron, David, James, James and Josh. I will put you all on the pile for consideration at my leisure.
And thank you for the sympathy, Nina, and the offer of a loan, Rach. Both very appreciated.
Josh: Yes. It’s a monkey. In a box.
Oh, pick David. Even if he can’t type 60wpm he could go back in time to start early and there’d be no difference!
Man, I can’t type, but I can do a guitar solo inspired by your rockin’ novels. And I have a fine chest. And snakes.
http://stripp3d.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/slash1.jpg
Slash
Dear David Tennant,
I’ve got a much better job for you at my house than typing for Julie. Please private message me and we’ll discuss it further…
Ruth
Ruth: We’ll discuss this in person. You and I.
OK, I’m guessing this is all stress realted. Might need to call another kind of doctor in.
PS: You are all really funny
Don’t know what the feck “realted” means. Scrub it for related, thank you.
Sending you a big hug – actually, two. Firstly on the keyboard (hope you do get it to dry out or that you can get a replacement pronto), and secondly in thanks for making me laugh out loud with those comments. (Hmm. Now why haven’t Cillian and John Cusack replied yet?) Been the sort of day where I needed some serious cheering-up, so thanks for that xxx
Don’t tease me, you know what I do for a living.
Seriously, there’s got to be some cosmic significance to your keyboard dying, right? Like you really wanted to spill the tea on it, only you didn’t know you wanted to do it, it was your subconcious wanting to do it and then you did it and it’s dead and now you’re panicking. It’s okay, I get it. We’re all that kind of crazy sometime, right? *shrugs* I just think that hiring some hot guy to type your books is a big mistake.
Josh: Monkey in a can? You’re a bonehead, dude.
Julie. Babe. Forget the secretary. Forget the romantic novels. Just come over here and join me on the couch. We’ve got some catching up to do.
Besides, I’ve got plenty of cash for both of us.
Robert Downey Jr
Oi, May:
Come here and say that. Or better yet:
EAT MY FERRARI SMOKE, CAPTAIN SLOW!!! HA!!!!
(P.S. Julie, sorry, can’t type. If you want me to hit the broken keyboard with a hammer, let me know.)
Wow, what a lot of fine applicants for my job! Who knew you could attract so many qualified men with the offer of a nice cup of tea!
(Well, we always knew it about James May I guess.)
((((((hugs)))))) to you, Kate H. I’m glad we could give you a much-needed laugh.
Um, Mr Spader? I could do the mail thing. And the rest of it.
You know, if Julie chooses someone else.
Just sayin’.
Maybe David could have a go at the keyboard with his sonic screwdriver?
That really is a good idea. Or even take us back in time to before I spilled the frickin’ tea.